The chains of blame.

Starting with more than a bump and bustle, Bek was back in London.

The bus broke down. The 10 hour ride from Glasglow to London - delayed. Bus after bus was leaving. They were all heading to London but ours...

There was something wrong with the engine.

A mechanic had to come.

They needed a new part...

EVENTUALLY we were relieved and on the road. To be honest I wasn't too bothered about the wait. Inconvenient - yes, but I had time to spare on the either end. Others weren't so forgiving but midst the hustle and bustle in the terminal, I met Lauren: a fellow Aussie and fellow traveller. Knowing she was special we sat and chatted til time started to speed. What a kindred spirit. Booking an overnight bus it was starting to get late! After what seemed hours of waiting, we were finally on the road with a few miles under our belts. Lauren, completely exhausted wanted sleep so I left her side to find my designated chair. Lights were finally out and grateful I didn't have anyone next to me, I settled down to snooze as well.

What a joke.

That fantasy was very short lived.

The bloke across from me had sleep apnea. He had it BAD! It was actually quite comical. The woman in front of him was positively furious and if I wasn't so entertained by her I would've been initially as well... I was 7.5 hours later when my cramped, exhausted body still hadn't slept though. ;)

Arriving with a day to whittle away, it seemed Lauren likewise had time to spare. What a beautiful day we had. Finding the most eclectic cafe we started with a much needed coffee! Lauren laughed about the delightful sleep she had and we then chatting til the cows came home and we could finally trample the streets - very slowly our packs were huge and it was HOT! Unable to make it very far and fast the day mostly consisted of cafe hopping and chatter. It was lovely.

Knowing we both had places to be, as the sun was setting we parted ways. I had just enough time to reach my destination with some breathing space and Laurens mates would be meeting her in the hour. Putting in my address the new adventure was about to commence.

I was off to the house I would sit!

Half way to my destination, while changing train platforms I thought I'd quadruple check directions... They no longer made sense...

Speaking to the guard he gave me different directions, I showed him everything and we made a new plan - all would be well I'd still get there with plenty of time. Now I'd just have to go back a few stops, take a different train line and walk a little further - no big deal...

Finally arriving it didn't look right. It didn't feel right... It was the right street, it the right number... it was the wrong postcode!

GOOD JOB BEK!

2.5 hours later, I FINALLY arrived!!!

Meeting Emily, apologising for the very delayed dinner, we laughed at the prior events and shared the most beautiful evening. Finally meeting for the first time we chatted til the early hours, she told me stories of of which when she broke her foot, and then opposite toe during covid in her 3-story terraced home... I honestly couldn't fathom how she managed the steep stairwells!!!

Waking to an empty house I didn't have to wonder for too long, by days end I'd managed to somehow break not one but two toes! Brilliant Bek! I could not believe it! I'd never broken a toe - let alone two!!

What a start.

Initially I'd had so many plans, so many romantic notions of what I'd do in Wimbledon… a spanner was definitely in the works!

Realising I once again had more limitations than I cared to admit, my hobbled step was enough voice of reason to reinforce that I needed rest! BUGGA!

You can’t run when you can’t walk!

The days that followed were something else. Sharing the couch with a fluffy friend I tried to wish them away by watching more than I care to admit on the telly... I'm great at wallowing - but it only works for only so long. Suppressed feelings started surfacing I wasn't a fan - the sombre music was too much.

Forcing myself to break out for just a few moments I left to hobble the streets. The drizzling sky matched my mood brilliantly. My good fortune continued, standing across from me was a doppelgänger of someone once close, now far. Triggered the carousel of memories started to play in my mind, LOUD. I missed what was once but knew I had to move on. They had, it was my turn. Grumbling my foot hit a stone. OUCH! I laugh at the lunacy of the scene.

Listening to wisdom beyond my own, something on the podcast cut through the cries of pain, "Blame is the chain."

Stopping in my tracks I let it ruminate.

"Blame is the chain."

Paralleling the impression of the doppelgänger with the food for thought, I realised I carried so much blame deep in my soul. Laced with that blame was a reel of pain and shame.

Thinking I may have stumbled across a key to breakthrough, I determined that whenever a person of grief came to mind, instead of feeling the cause of grief I would bless them, wishing them well instead of feeling the loss which was. I knew I’d have to start small, but I would start however meagre it may be.

Looking at my feet, I let them be the first receivers. How grateful I was to finally be out and about.

Closing my eyes and taking a breath, I started again on my way. Turning a corner the most beautiful sight outstretched before me: a double rainbow. Bright and brilliant I ended up walking to see both its ends. What a sign, both of promise and of a future. Childlike joy melted my heart as a lightness seeped into my step. It was beautiful.

Such a simple symbol stirred such hope.

Strangers stopping to stare. They took photos and selfies, they splashed in puddles like carefree children - it was lovely. A minute beforehand heads were downcast in the rain, a moment thereafter eyes were enraptured by the sky. How quickly a sign could change everything.

How quickly a thought could - a stone could.

Blessing. That’s what was in need.

Blessing for blame, the loosening chain.